Cigars

a little more than two years ago, I bought a small box of fine Cuban Habanos Cigars from Cairo's airport duty free, the reason was to give it as a gift to a friend, who happens to like cigars. But when I cam back home, I decided not to give it to anyone, and keep it to myself, to smoke it on some special occasion, or when celebrating some achievement. Sounds like a good idea, right? The other day I saw the cigars, and they all were there!! This means that in the last two years, I didn't use any, in the last two years, I didn't have any special occasion, or any achievement that worths celebration!!!!!!! Anyway, I know that they are there, hoping I'll use it well.....

Leading my life

I am feeling as if I am losing control of my life... things are going on very fast, and for the first time, I feel helpless, totally helpless, can't change anything... maybe it is the real life, as "One's real life is often the life that one does not lead. [Oscar Wilde]"

Committees

During the last week, I was invited to join two new committees, the advisory board for the University's online presence, and the national evaluation committee for a major regional competition. This is something I should be proud of, to be selected in such positions, and being 1 of the 5 in each committee, but I am thinking, is this what I need now? no, it is not, I am feeling like I am skipping stages or steps.... I don't know, would it be better if this didn't happen? will I ever get such chances again? will this 'burn' me? will this take from the time of other things? I don't know, maybe I should just let things go... and take all the chances possible, don't know.

December Begins

I always liked winter time, partially because I hate summer time and its hot weather, but more because it became a synonym to the dying year, and a new year is coming alive and heating up. This year it is different, the year seems to be fighting death, don't want to go, it is cold sometimes, but warm other days, but, because of our human ego, we will call it dead anyway by the end of December, and live with the ghost of two years at the same time ignoring the first one, just because we feel we should be in control of when the year ends, and when the year begins.

For me, this December is different, new things are happening, it is like this year is saying, I'll be there, I'll be haunting you for some time, see, here comes the news about your friend who is doing his PhD, he is not even the first, but the second of my friends, and the second I know in relation to MIT!!!, and he is working on a super interesting subject, in addition to other friends falling into marriage and engagements, I can recall 8 this year!, including 4 very ones!!

This makes you thing what you did, apparently, you've with enough years to get your chances, for me, I feel like I did few things, but is it enough? are those things what are meant to be done in the stage of your life?

ok, let me list the good things: have a nice job, own a company that is competing directly with the biggest players in the market, doing your MBA, have good friends, know good people, have good relations and networks with many people, especially in your field, and on many levels (ministers from at least 2 governments!), work in a nice environment. travels on an average of 3 times a year, in different capacities, as a representative, personal, to attend a meeting, goddammit, last year I was an invited speaker at a regional expert group meeting organized by ESCWA!, and when googling my name, I get many results that are actually about me.

On the other side, lets list the bad things: the job is not secure, the company is barely surviving, MBA is not the one I really want (Inovvation Managemet @ tue.nl), no financial security, nothing on the relationships side.

Now I know what I need to work on... inshallah

Going Boing

Ok, I always had the thought that no matter what I did, no matter what happened, I can always start over, maybe go someplace far, and start a different life path, this idea always floated in my mind... especially when I am in trouble, but I always prefer the idea of staying and `facing` the trouble, and try to overcome it. this idea also appears on some other random times for no reason, and then, only then, I can start thinking of it objectively, is this a good idea?, can I really start over? what will stay with me, and what will be flushed away?, what am I risking? I have an established thing here, I have a life, I have commitments, but is this the kind of life I want to have. Anyway, this idea is still there, and it is becoming more prominent these days, maybe after all I'll decide to go with it, I may only need some support in it, support!!, the whole idea is to start over, get rid of many many things of the current life, but maybe not going alone, the idea is getting more tempting like that, maybe I'll do it afterall.

nothing more than a 'Hi'

it may sound strange, but for few certain people, I don't say more than hi, no high salutes, hand shaking, hug, nothing, while I do say more to people I may see even more frequently, the logical explanation would be because I don't like those people, however, in the case of those few certain people, it is different, it is the total opposite of not liking them, it is simply because they are there, in my mind all the time, they are part of me as an entity, I think of them as a pillar in my world. It is not like they are `secured` to be there, but because I build a lot around them.

This may be clearer why with those people I don't argue much, or even choose where to go or where to sit, simply because I trust those people, their judgment, and their taste, I even don't talk much with those people in face, simply because their presence is enough, really, this may sound strange, but with certain few people, I feel comfortable, and even satisfied with them just being there.

Who are those people?, well, I can only thing of a person that is smart, simple(I think!), charming, great mindset and taste in ashia2, pleasing to be around, and. How many people can one person be?

Happily Lost

after long time without writing anything here, thanks to a friend, I remembered why I started it the first place. I am studying for an ebusiness exam I have for tomorrow, and was thinking, shu fee!! I found that I am lost, totally lost, not knowing what is going on, not about the exam, but about it all, my life. not knowing what is happening, or why it is happening, what do I want, what is required, where to go and what to do, is it normal?. I don't know, I just can't get it!!, I never seem to understand people, this can't be good, but, is it me this time?, I don't know.... should I just wait and see?! I don't thing that is something I can do now, what if this is really what I want!!!

only one thing can stop me, "rejection", I am na2a2, want to get what I want, always keep pushing, never stopping at any obstacle (at least I try), fight for what I want, but one thing stops me, rejection, not rejection as when someone rejects my plan, or my call, or my request, but when someone says, not you, not interested, that is, when it is personal, then, and only then, I can't go any further, don't know, maybe it is my pride or dignity or so, don't know, but I learned not to force myself on anyone, I try, but once there is rejection, I STOP.